Having a relationship can be tough, and there’s always a time that you’ll have thoughts of quitting and ending it. You get tired and frustrated at the same time. In most cases, it feels like it’s wearing you down up to the point that you think you can no longer recover. You’ll eventually make life decisions that you know you can never change.
I admit that I lost track of how I valued my marriage. I was blinded by the small things that made it impossible for me to understand some issues we had. I became incapable of listening and started complaining about things that didn’t matter. In other words, I changed into something I wasn’t supposed to be. The changes I made along the course of my married life concluded that I no longer wanted to become part of my relationship. Soon after, I called it quits. I realized Dr. Chantal Gagnon PhD LMHC statements when she said, “Couples often feel that they know and understand their partner, and are compatible on most issues. However, this is a mistake.” Now, I agree.
It didn’t bother me at first knowing that my husband was devastated by my decision. I was inconsiderate and proud of what I did. On the other hand, he was so miserable and confused. As I was enjoying the moment of freedom from the stress that my marital problem gave me, my husband was alone and vulnerable. I didn’t care, and I was too busy enjoying things rather than explaining to him what caused me to decide the unfavorable decision. A week later, he committed suicide. That is where I remembered what Torey C. Richards, LMHC said, “Sometimes the reasons people don’t recognize the signs of suicide is because they are in denial, especially when it comes to those close to them.”
What have I done?
I was speechless and full of guilt. I was trying to assess myself by making myself feel better, and now I feel responsible for my husband’s death. Something struck me right at the moment when I think about him. I realized I was selfish for not considering his effort in making our relationship work. I was too busy focusing on the things that I want rather than the things that we needed. I aimed for separation instead of finding ways to save our marriage. I became incompetent in all aspects of providing my husband a useful and valuable reason why I decided to let go. As soon as I came to the realization, I made it clear to myself that I still loved my husband. Leaving him under pressure was apparently one of my biggest mistakes. It was my entire fault.
The Realization
My marriage ended because I focused on my husband’s incapability to address my stupid tantrums. “Humans are complex and all of us experience emotions like anger and sadness, so it’s very normal that at some point in the relationship, you will disagree with your partner.” Maryann W. Mathai, LPCC, LMHC, LPC, NCC once said. But for my husband, his death is something that I will never forget for the rest of my life. Though I know I have to be strong in keeping myself sane, there’s still a part of me that wants to break down. I am guilty of not providing my marriage the things that it needed to be able to handle certain marital situations. I disregarded trust, communication, appreciation, and love.
I know I can never bring back my husband, and it’s impossible to ask for forgiveness, but if ever I am given a chance, I would tell him how very sorry I am for acting so selfish. Dealing with grief is something that all of us may or may not understand, but knowing the purpose of our life and realizing things that matter can make a big difference in recovery.