Have you ever felt the guilt of not expressing your feelings to the one you valued the most? Did you just let it go and tried to forget about it but eventually regret not saying anything? How does it feel to know that you missed the chance of telling that person how much he meant to you? Well, it was devastating. I was always confident about things in life, and the more I get to experience unexpected stress, I tend to pay attention to the situation. However, I felt the need for evaluation when I suddenly heard the awful news.
The Call
I was at school and getting ready for my reports when my phone suddenly rang. It was my sister. I was patiently waiting for her to say a word but she just went on crying. She spoke with a stammering voice. I asked her what’s wrong, but I didn’t get an answer. I told her to take a deep breath and let me know what just happened. And then she said it. “Dad passed away.”
“The closer your connection and the more intense the loss, the more profound the emptiness may feel.” –Roya R. Rad, MA, PsyD
I wasn’t honestly so sure about what hit me at that time since I was still in the midst of shock and disbelief. But as my sister kept on repeating those same words over and over again, the pain crawled all over my body. It was an undeniably dark moment. It was so painful and devastating. My father was gone, and there’s nothing I can do about it.
In Denial
That moment when my sister hysterically called out for me, I knew I had to keep my senses. So I pretended that it wasn’t that bad after all. I told her that everything would be all right (though I knew it won’t be.) I tried to smile while talking to her. I made sure to utter the right words and I said: “I’ll be home soon.” So I rushed in the hallway and never thought about anything. It was all about that message she told me on the phone. Was it true? Was I too late? Was it possible? I just kept on asking questions inside my head.
“Everyone grieves differently; there is no right or wrong way and there is no schedule.” –Ashley Curiel, PsyD
The Reality
Then there he was, lying on the bed. His eyes were closed, and lips were sealed. He wasn’t breathing, and I entirely knew why. However, I lost my senses and asked him to wake up. I begged for him to open his eyes and asked him if he could let me hear his voice again. I wasn’t surprised that he never responded because of course, I knew he was dead. But I was in denial, afraid, and hurt. My dad just left me without warning and everything was just too fast.
“The experience of losing someone we love is a process most everyone endures in a lifetime.” –Annie Vaughn, MA, LMHC
I always wanted to keep things to myself, and I don’t want other people to know what exactly are my thoughts. However, after that moment I realized that time is the most damaging part of life. Once you let it slip, you won’t be able to get it back. You always have to express your love to those people you valued the most because you might never know when they’ll leave you without notice.