It was complete mixed emotions after I figured out that my father died two days before my graduation. I developed a strong feeling of sadness that eventually turned into anger. I lost a stable relationship with my friends and family because I shut down communication for about two months. I was in deep pain, and the more I tried pretending that I was okay, the more it hurt.
I Was In Denial
The first time I heard the call from my sister, I thought it was a prank. However, I knew (at that moment) she wasn’t going to tell me that it was. She just kept on mentioning my name while I was listening to her on the other line. Later on, I knew it was time to hang up. I didn’t desire to believe it, and as much as possible, I wanted to call my dad so I can make a confirmation directly. But who am I kidding? He’s dead, and there’s no way he will be able to say anything.
I Couldn’t Handle The Pain
When I started drinking a lot (almost every day), I knew that there was something wrong with me. I knew I needed help, but I just couldn’t find the right words to describe what I was feeling. I started to behave violently, and I regularly got aggressive for no apparent reason. I was entirely disoriented. There were tons of sleepless nights, and I couldn’t refrain myself from crying. The grieving process took longer than I expected that it almost destroyed my overall health.
I Was Depressed
Though people told me that it was naturally okay to feel sad and to mourn the dead, I saw things differently. I lost control of the things that made me happy, and I didn’t consider doing stuff anymore. I felt the need just to do nothing. I became open to the idea of suicide and tried hurting myself a couple of times. I was unhappy and angry at the same time. I felt guilty and blamed myself for wasting my time spending it with friends instead of trying to talk with my dad.
I Was Destroyed
The last time I remember, I was almost out of breath due to intoxication. I couldn’t move my body. I was shouting for help but no one was available for assistance. Then I realized I was too harsh on myself. I let grief take over me and allowed it to destroy me dramatically. I was hopeless and frightened at the same time.
I Sought Help
The moment I understood that depression was something that I needed to address, I started to ask for help. I went on a counseling session that made me re-think the essential aspects of life. I underwent psychotherapy due to the damaging symptoms I had such as insomnia, too much weight loss, hallucinations, anxiety, and extreme sadness. The process of counseling gave me a chance to grieve properly.
My father’s loss is something that will traumatize me until the rest of my life. However, I have to explore the areas of my weakness and work on it positively so I can quite manage to move on. Though the adjustments I am about to take will not be easy, at least I’m proud to say that I initiated the step to recovery.