It is not that long ago since my sister passed away. But together with that memory, I understand that I will never have the courage to get over the emotional and mental agony it brought me. It was an exhausting and most devastating experience that somehow crippled me intensely. Thus, I expect it to stick with me for the rest of my life. Of course, I know and understand the importance of moving on. Honestly, I tried. I genuinely tried my best to get over the bereavement so I can continue living with my life. However, the pain is just too strong that I can’t find the right mindset to help me get through with it.
But please don’t judge me when I tell you that these sorrows due to losing a loved one are something I genuinely want to endure. I want to get emotionally and mentally disabled to have an excuse to become a weak and vulnerable individual. Yes, I know it is wrong and that I should not use my sister’s death as a tool for self-destruction, but I have my reasons. I will tell it all in this article, the same as how I told my counselor about it.
My Emotional Agony
The thing is, I used to be an emotionally and mentally strong person. I am confident about what I can do, and I always try my best to accomplish things no matter what. That type of personality made me so likable in the eyes of my friends, family, colleagues, and other people who used to know me. I am very proud to be a person with high spirits. But that is my problem. I am confident, self-aware, and knowledgeable about my character and skills. And that is the reason I hate it.
I hate being emotionally and mentally strong because nobody seems to ask if I am okay. With what people see through me and all those positive qualities I have, they do not intend to spare a little time asking me if I need their comfort. It is as if I am not allowed to feel pain and sorrow and stay capable and strong. That is the reason why after my sister’s death, I shut down. For me, it was a once-in-a-lifetime chance to be able to get close to my weak self. And I thank that moment.
Don’t get it wrong. It is not that I am happy that my sibling died. It is not like that, and do not try and misinterpret it. I am genuinely saying that, due to my loss, I realized that it is okay to sometimes feel emotionally and mentally unstable. I now like the feeling that it is normal to become the one who needs help.
Grief And Depression
Understandably, when people look at me, they instantly knew that the changes in my behavior are somehow related to grief. With that particular death of my sister, they already made up their mind that the things happening to me right now are a mere representation of bereavement. Thus the way I negatively talk, act, respond in front of them creates room for excuse. But honestly, in my opinion, it was not grief. It was merely the depressive state I am dealing with even a long time ago.
Yes, I am hurt because I lost someone so dear to me. But before all this, I already felt so much pain from wanting to be seen and heard. I already have those moments in life where I had to hide and isolate myself, so I can cry wholeheartedly. I already lived with the times that I had to lie about what I truly feel to make someone else happy. I already experienced avoiding the pain and keeping it inside so that others won’t find a reason to feel sorry for me. I already endured those kinds of pain that not even grief can exceed an amount.
It Is Still Not About Me
After quite a while of people seeing me like this, and despite being honest about what I truly feel inside, I still get disappointed with people’s words and actions. They are not convinced that I can be a person that would require some help. And since they already know me as someone who would manage to deal with an emotional and mental struggle, they are not at all concerned about my well-being. Sadly, I am putting my mental and emotional state on the line so that people around me could acknowledge my inabilities and needs. As much as I desire to get better, I kind of like it that I am not okay. I guess that is the way it is for most “strong-enough” individuals. In the end, it is still not about me.