Fair Haven Grief Blog

I often hear a lot of people say, “It’s just a cat,” “You can always get a new one,” It’s not that emotionally draining since it is not a person,” or “It’s just an animal.” Honestly, hearing all these words makes me sick to my stomach. What are these people thinking? Are they aware that these animals also have feelings and exist in this world, not just for display? These animals also have a purpose in life: to be friends with humans and take care of them mentally and emotionally.

For some people, they are just cats. But for me, they are my family, companions, best friends, babies, and life. Regardless of form, shape, or size, my cats are the ones that make me complete. So, losing one of them can be as devastating as losing a person.

I’m Fed Up

I hate it when people are insensitive to my feelings just because I grieve for a cat. They don’t understand how much I love my animal companion. I understand that their perception of attention and love for these creatures vary because they think that humans are more in need of emotional appreciation. But they are wrong. Animals also need the love and care humans always crave, and I will not be sorry for showing my emotions to these insensitive individuals because I grieve, not because of their judgment. I grieve because I lost one of the most precious friends I had that truly mattered to me.

Yes, some may say that I am overly dramatic or I am trying to embrace this bereavement of a cat. But I don’t care. I am so fed up with people telling me what to feel and what not to feel. I am so tired of explaining to them how an animal can affect a person’s life. I can’t emphasize enough how cruel their comments are when it comes to the way I handle my grieving experience. They do not know how deeply sad and lonely I am for losing my cat. So why would I listen to their unsolicited advice when it doesn’t even help me at all?

Honestly, I don’t understand how people can be so mean to others, especially during their crying moments. Their comments and suggestions somehow invalidate my feelings, and it seems like I am not allowed to express my grieving emotions anymore. These emotional and mental challenges I have is causing me extreme worry aside from feelings of loneliness and anger. I’m not too fond of it, and I am not comfortable dealing with it.

Mental Health – Sadness And Grief

Sadness is an adjacent part of grief. Every time you lose someone, you instantly feel sad. And in my case, that’s what is happening. However, my sadness is not like any other sadness I have experienced before. Yes, I feel sad when I get a low score on the exams. I feel sad when watching sad scenes from a TV series. I feel sad whenever I can’t find time to spend with my cats. But lately, my sadness is extreme. Extremely different than it already impacts my way of living.

The choices I have to make every day are limitless. Since I live alone, I am free to do whatever I want because there’s no one to tell me what to do. But then, when my cat died, I felt like I couldn’t move. There are times when I constantly lie in bed with my pillow beside me, crying and hugging it. I can’t focus or decide on my own, and I can’t even find the right things to do to cope with inhibited grief. My house right now is full of mess. I am a mess.

Honestly, I felt sad for my other cats because they do not deserve a human like me. I still have four of them, but I feel like I am not giving them enough attention because I am focused on the one I lost. I know it is unfair, and that is precisely why I am constantly having a mental breakdown. I feel like I am letting my other cats down. But I can’t help it. I am really devastated about losing one, and I can’t seem to cope with the grief despite knowing that there are four cats left with me. I am lost for words.

Art Therapy And Grief

With all my roller coaster of emotional challenges, I took the initiative to consult and seek professional advice. I went to therapy treatment because I really wanted to make things better for my overall and emotional well-being. I want to spend my days with the rest of my cats, and I want to take care of them again. I want to bring my life back to some sense of normal and completely get rid of the mess I am, and bring back my self esteem. I wanted to change how things were going, and I wanted to show myself that grieving is okay. I want to instill in my head that not taking care of my mental, physical, and emotional health is no excuse.

During the therapy sessions, the therapist or counselor creates a plan. These included the things I can do to keep my mind off of thinking about sadness too much. She made me create a list all the things I would want to do or new hobbies I would want to learn. On the list, I included drawing and painting. At first, I was kind of hesitant to work with the art therapist on it because I honestly do not have a talent for this kind of stuff, but it’s a process of healing and meaning making.

I have spent quite a couple of minutes per day practicing my drawing skills. I bought the art materials I needed, such as coloring pens, crayons, a drawing book, all types of pencils, an easel, canvas, and a lot more related to creativity and the creative process of drawing and painting. I even signed up for an online drawing class. I was actually making an effort to get this art therapy going.

It’s Working

After a couple of days, I have been practicing drawing and painting, and it finally paid off. I somehow got that excitement back, and I began to work my way through the grieving process with emotional resilience. I used my cat as an inspiration for my drawings, and I made peace with his death. I drew him almost every day, and that makes me think about the good times we spent together. And I realized by thinking about those things how much I really love my cat. Every time I paint a picture of him in my head and reflect it on my canvas, I can’t help but smile and appreciate his existence. I became thankful for my cat’s life and that he dedicated it to me until his drying moments. Drawing and painting him makes me think that he’s just right beside me, and these drawn images of my cat remind me of the wonderful moments I have with my best companion.

Yes, I am still sad that my cat is gone. But right now, I feel more appreciative of the other cats that are left to me. These furbabies are making me realize that despite the loss I am enduring, I still have them to comfort me during these times of despair. Drawing and painting these little ones are my way of coping with the loss, and it is working like magic.

Right now, because of this newfound hobby, I find myself working right through my goals and focusing on my recovery. I am now getting my life on track and making other memories with my other cats. I am thankful for this coping mechanism because it helped me regain my mental and emotional stability. If it weren’t for this coping strategy, perhaps until now, I am still longing for my deceased cat, and I am still a mess.

Final Thoughts And Takeaway

Looking back on the mental and emotional dilemma I felt after my beloved cat died, I must say that things were never the same anymore. For some reason, I knew my mental health condition was so alarming that I couldn’t even find the right things to do and couldn’t find the correct words to express my psychological state. Thankfully, I followed my gut and went straight ahead to seek professional help and get psychotherapy via art therapy. That is the best decision I have made because the way the professional introduced me to my newfound hobby (drawing and painting) changed the way I see and understand my mental health state.

Grieving our loved onee is something we do because we dearly love the one we lost. No matter what it is, a person, a pet, an item, or an opportunity, we know that losing something can have a toll on our overall wellness. So, if there’s a chance that you may be dealing with extreme sadness that you found damaging to your overall aspect of life, career, and relationship, never hesitate to seek mental health treatment. Schedule a counseling session with a healthcare provider or a mental health professional so these experts can assist you and teach you the right coping strategies useful to your holistic healing and recovery.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

How Does Grief Symptoms Affect Academic Performance?

Which Strategy Is An Effective Way To Help A Child Cope With Grief?

How Can Art Therapists Help With Grief?

Why Is Dealing With Grief Important?

What Intervention Is Used For Grief?

What Art Therapy Is Usually Associated With Grief And Loss?

What Is The Use Of Art Therapy And Group Process With Grieving Children?

How Does Grief Affect You Socially?

What Is Art Therapy Activity For Grief Adults?

Why Do People Use Art As Therapy?

How Does Art Therapy Help People With Depression?

Does Art Therapy Work For Trauma Symptoms?

Does Art Therapy Relieve Stress?

How Effective Is Art Therapy?

What are the stages of understanding grief in art?

There is no right or wrong way to grieve, regardless of the kind of loss yo have experienced. However, you might develop more constructive coping mechanisms if you know the stages, symptoms and forms of grief.

Grief is learning to live with loss. The loss of a house, divorce, and death are all significant occurrences in life that cause grief. A natural reaction to loss is grief. It’s the emotional distress that you experience when a certain person or thing you love passes away.

The sorrow of losing someone can often seem unbearable. Recognizing that multiple bereaved persons experiences sorrow differently, there are certain typical reactions that you may find helpful to identify if you’ve experienced a loss. When navigating through this challenging period, whether you’re grieving over a loved one or providing emotional support for family members or those who grieve, remember to be patient.

You might feel many problematic and unexpected feelings, such as surprise, rage, disbelief, guilt, and intense sorrow. Grief may trigger physical or mental health problems, making it hard to satisfy your appetite, sleep, or even think clearly. These are common emotional responses due well being used to grief; the greater the loss in importance, the greater the depth of your sadness.

A job or career loss, infertility issues, declining health, unstable finances, marriage conflict, friendship or relationship issues, and even the death of a pet or lover can all be grieved. Even little setbacks in life can trigger grief. You might experience grief, for instance, if you move away from your home, graduate from college, or change careers.

Following a loss such as this, life might never seem the same. However, you can begin to look forward and lessen your grief over time and ultimately come to deal with what happened. Extreme sadness is a common aspect of grief, but it can also occasionally be accompanied by shock, fear, disinterest, avoidance, and even rage. Most people experience a gradual easing of the severity and frequency of their grieving episodes.

The Stages Of Grief

Denial

You can find it difficult to acknowledge the reality and emotional consequences of a loss. Following the trauma of the sudden passing of someone you love, you may experience numbness. You might even attempt to act as if nothing had occurred. If this happens, it can be that you find it impossible to accept that the individual that you know extremely well is not returning. Additionally, you might still sense their presence and believe you might have spotted or heard them.

Anger

It is quite normal to experience rage following a death. Sometimes, death seems so unfair and terrible. If someone you love was too young to pass away, or if their passing left you burdened with a great deal of emotional or practical issues, these circumstances may also make it feel more difficult. You could be upset with yourself over things you believe you did incorrectly or with the now deceased person for leaving you. You can be angry at God, at others who weren’t able to rescue a loved one, at oneself, or even angry at no one more specifically.

Bargaining

At this point, when bereaving, you begin to bargain with yourself or, if you’re religious, with a deity you worship. Additionally, you could discover that you are always thinking back on the past and posing several “what if” scenarios, hoping that things would have gone differently in the past. To avoid having to cope with a loss, you can envision coming to an arrangement. You might also experience remorse for prior deeds that you believe could have prevented the present loss.

Depression

When we reflect on the healing process of grieving, the two groups of emotions that come to mind most are sorrow and longing. These emotions can vary considerably over a period of years or months, and they can be extremely difficult and substantial. Emotional detachment is one of the complicated feelings that are linked to depression.

Acceptance

Most bereaved people discover that their sadness lessens in intensity over time. They are able to acknowledge the death of the individual and realize that their lives will go on without them. Like most people, you will eventually come to terms with loss, even though the agony persists. You may frequently remark that you have to learn to live with grief rather than start where it ends. With time, you are able to move past the loss and move on to enjoy life again, even if you will always grieve for the person who passed away. Even while you might never truly “get over” the loss of a loved one, you can gain insight to go on and live your life while holding your memories of these individuals close to your heart.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy When Grief Is Extreme

There is no formula for grief. It manifests itself in certain different ways depending on the culture. While certain individuals prefer to maintain their feelings of sadness to themselves, others like the idea of venting their thoughts and emotions in public. It’s possible for you to experience severe grief. It may seem difficult or maybe challenging to be mindful of anything else when this is all around you. You may find it quite challenging to deal with these emotions or thoughts that you begin to suppress or hide, sometimes completely.

Grief’s aftereffects frequently mimic depression, and sadness does strike you after a major loss. As you come to terms with death and bereavement, you may experience extreme sadness, feelings of emptiness or loneliness, and perhaps feelings of guilt or rage. They can be painful, constant, depressing, or overwhelming.

Grieving can cause people to feel or behave strangely from how they usually do. They could become withdrawn, struggle to focus and lose interest in their typical interests. They might take drugs, smoke cigarettes, or consume alcohol. Additionally, they could think of harming themselves or giving up.

Furthermore, grieving can be draining, which could negatively impact health. People are more vulnerable to illnesses like colds as a result of anxiety. Anxiety can alter the desire to eat, which can result in weight fluctuations. It can interfere with sleep and make people feel exhausted. In addition, it may cause headaches, body aches, and stomachaches.

Grief might be more severe or last longer in certain people. It may hamper their capacity to handle daily life. If the loss was especially traumatic—for example, a child’s suicide or death—this might be more likely. Some could characterize this period as being psychologically immobilized and incapable of looking over the loss and sadness. They might experience extreme loneliness and disorientation.

Thankfully, certain individuals have beneficial effects from sadness and grief, such as a renewed feeling of maturity emotional intelligence, understanding, and purpose in life. Some individuals may experience feelings of presence or hearing in dreams involving a loved one. Grieving individuals frequently look within for purpose and consider their spiritual beliefs, but unhelpful beliefs are also prevalent, but these vary from different people.

When Should I Seek Cognitive Behavioral Therapy For My Grief?

Consult a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy medical professional if you are having trouble adjusting to significant grief and finding it challenging to cope, and might be need rational emotive behavior therapy due to the challenges. You can be depressed if you find yourself unable to feel happy and have recurring thoughts of depression and sorrow. In case your emotions are interfering with your daily activities, it’s crucial to immediately seek assistance and appropriate treatment. As a form of clinical psychology, you could also attempt cognitive behavior therapy with a few of the following advice for a restructuring plan:

Look After Your Health

Ensure that you consume a nutritious diet, workout frequently, and get adequate sleep. Steer clear of addictive substances and use alcohol in moderation, or they could cause substance abuse. Adopt an active way of life, and remember to take care of yourself on a regular basis. Never forget the importance of your general physical and mental health.

Live One Day At A Time

Establish routines on a daily basis and treat yourself to anything nice each day. Make an effort to exercise, eat well, practice meditation, and unwind. After a loved one passes away, it’s an excellent coping plan to postpone making any significant choices until a period of time.

Stay Connected

It’s crucial for you to spend time interacting with supportive individuals. Make time with people, engage in conversation with your friend or relative, or say yes to offers of support and assistance from support groups. To improve your capability to handle stress and loss, make new relationships, and allow others to contribute to your psychological and emotional intelligence.

Create Positive Memories

Pay tribute to the deceased individual’s life. Gather mementos or pictures, keep a journal, compose a message to the one that was gone, or tell others the bereaved person about habits and memories. All of these can aid the bereaved person in giving grief purpose.

Allow Yourself To Grieve

Tears are normal. For a lot of people, sobbing is a relief. Grieving may involve the exploration and expression of feelings or art therapy. Writing or listening to songs can be beneficial cognitive therapy techniques. You are able to communicate more effectively with how you are feeling by spending time by yourself.

Experiencing Anniversaries

Holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays can bring on strong grief. Marking these events with a small ceremony, such as lighting a candle, turning on some music, or getting together with friends, family members and relatives, could be helpful. It’s not always necessary for losing someone to hurt. You have the option to honor the person you cherish and recall all of your happy times spent with them.

Final Thoughts And Takeaway

Whatever your loss, accept that it’s particular to you, and don’t feel bad about how you’re feeling or that you should only be grieving for specific things. It’s acceptable to grieve the loss you’re going dealing with if the lost person, animal, connection, or circumstance has special meaning for you. Regardless of the reason behind your sorrow, there exist positive ways to manage the agony that, with time, might lessen your sadness and assist you in accepting your loss, discovering a fresh purpose, and ultimately moving on with life as usual.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs

How Effective Is Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy?

How Does CBT Deal With Negative Emotions?

How Is Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy A Coping Mechanism?

Can You Do Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy By Yourself?

How Long Does Cognitive Behavioral Therapy In Grief Recovery Take To Work?

Why Is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Not Always Effective?

Are Cognitive Behavioral Model Good For Emotional Regulation?

How Does CBT Increase Self-Esteem?

Is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Effective For Long Term?

What Happens If Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Doesn’t Work?

What Is The Biggest Advantage Of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?

Can CBT Be Used For Everyone?

Who Gets Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?

Is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Difficult?

What Are The Benefits And Limitations Of CBT?

Perhaps you already know the common emotions and reactions associated with grief. You can expect to experience shock, anger, denial, bargaining, anxiety, depression, and acceptance in no particular order. But of course, everyone deals with these grief associations in entirely different ways. Other people can manage to pull through their emotional suffering, while some couldn’t bear the pain.

While you may be grieving, there are those individuals that would constantly tell you to “stay strong,” “things will get better,” and “that is okay” Those reactions are predictable since most people intend to say it in an attempt to comfort you during an emotional crisis. But while those statements are usually well-intentioned, they are not often true. You will still have to experience a fair share of grief until you realize more to it than just grieving.

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Grieving Is Not Exclusive For The Dead

Yes, the death of someone you know or deeply love is the common source of grief. Losing a loved one can bring a different level of emotional roller coaster that you often wish not to experience. But death is not the only one that can make you feel emotional distress. You can experience a whole new force of grief when you lost anything important to you. You can grieve the loss of any sentimental object or mourn your pet. You can feel heartbroken when you lost any kind of relationship you cherished. As such, there is grief for a friendship that has drifted apart. So any kind of strong connection you have to something can make you experience grief. Thus, whatever you lost, and no matter why, as long as it causes a tremendous amount of emotional pain in its absence – that is grief.

Staying Strong Typically Goes With The Denial Phase

You often heard people around you saying that “You must stay strong,” that despite all the terrible things happening to you, they say, “You should overcome it.” For most parts, these statements want to remind you to grieve properly. It simply wants to make you realize that you are stronger than your tragedy. But for some reason, there is a possibility that you will use that statement to pretend that there was nothing wrong. Eventually, you will hold onto it and get stuck there. You will have trouble finding acceptance, and you will eventually succumb to the negative cycle of grief. But remember, it is okay not to be strong. It’s alright to cry and scream your lungs out. Take the time away to feel weak for a bit so you can let go of the pain.

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Guilt Could Eat You Up While Grieving

Often when people lose something, they immediately feel guilty for not taking care of it before they still have the chance. That explains why they often find themselves regretting the things they should have done or the lack thereof. With that, these individuals tend to blame themselves only to make the circumstances more bearable. They question everything during the grieving process despite knowing the real answers to those queries. It is normal to feel regretful because you might think you could have done something before the worse could happen. But you need to let go of that feeling eventually because there is nothing to gain from holding onto it. So instead, learn from your regrets and use them as a guide for emotional healing so you can live your life to the fullest.

The Act Of Grieving Does Not Care About Time

Grieving is the process where you embrace all the sorrows and pain from the loss of something so valuable to you. But the process requires no time, and it does not heal all wounds. It only smoothens your mental and emotional struggle to make it easier for you to live on with your life. Yes, grieving is not an emotional cure for loss because there are things that will never entirely go away, even if you believe you managed to deal with the pain. The scars will never fade, and you might still find yourself grieving about your loss years later. You will still get caught up with the bad and good memories that can make you feel sad and lonely anytime and anywhere. Grieving does not care about time because the truth is; the pain from experience genuinely never goes away.

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Acceptance Is Different From Admitting A Loss

Acceptance is a more complicated process compared to admitting your loss. It is not a finish line that you should aim right after realizing you should be done with grief. More likely, you will find yourself trapped in the worse cycle of grief in several instances throughout your life. Chances are, you will grieve with the same thing over and over again. You might find yourself mentally and emotionally okay after grieving. But when something triggers that balance, you might find yourself dealing with all the sorrow and pain once again. This particular problem usually happens when you didn’t manage to grieve the first time properly. Thus, you must undergo an overall closure so you can finally let go and move on.

 

My depression due to my mom’s death five months ago was something that took my life to a whole new level. I’m still in high school, and as a teenager, it is so heartbreaking that my mom would not be there for me on the special events of my life in the future. She wouldn’t be able to be there at my graduation, she wouldn’t be able to meet my future boyfriend, and she wouldn’t be able to witness my wedding. Those things might not be a big deal for some, but for a 16-year-old teenager like me, those moments can be the worse.

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As my depression continued, I knew I had to do something to make this emotional dilemma bearable. For sure, my mom wouldn’t like to see me losing my grip. In fact, I knew she would wish me all the best in life. That is why I signed up for therapy sessions. But unfortunately, it has been almost two months, but I do not seem to see any difference in my emotional and mental health. With that, I began to reevaluate the factors affecting my mental health development, and here’s what I figured out.

I’m Just Faking It

I engaged in therapy because I knew it could help. I was aware of the benefits it can give me provided that the healthcare professional knows exactly what to advise. Honestly, as much as possible, I tried my best to understand the therapist’s recommendations so that I wouldn’t find myself more anxious, depressed, and isolated. But unfortunately, I was just kidding myself. I know what the therapist talks about, but when she asked me if I’m getting better, I couldn’t help but lie. Of course, I had to say “yes” because that’s what she’s supposed to hear. I wouldn’t want the therapist to know that her methods aren’t working because I find it entirely insulting on her part. But I was not sure if that’s what it was. I was unsure if it was okay to tell her that nothing has changed after two months of attending therapy sessions with her.

I thought that maybe I couldn’t make it better because I don’t want to. There’s something in me that wanted to endure the pain of losing someone. And despite being mentally and emotionally unstable, I find the whole thing comforting because that way, I wouldn’t have to get over thinking about my mom.

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I Don’t Have Clear Goals

At first, I knew why I signed up for therapy sessions to manage my anxiety and depression. But over time, and after attending a couple of sessions with the therapist, things became clear to me that I do not have anything to look forward to. Meaning, regardless of making it or not, I entirely do not care anymore. I knew I had to be better, but the decision to target specific behaviors was a setback to all of this. The pain of losing someone was sticking to me, and it is horrifying. But the worst part was, I wanted to get used to it. I wanted to retain this emotional pain to have enough reason to isolate myself to not feel the pain again.

I know it sounded so confusing because everything I do was supposed to make things better, but then I somehow made things complicated for myself and everybody else. The changes in my life were becoming so recognizable that even my close friends and relatives are getting concerned about it. I was starting to build a comfort zone where I intend to lock myself in. For me, it was kind of okay because I wouldn’t have to deal with anything anymore. But for others, it was a way of shutting them out in my life and becoming someone I am not.

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I Need More Than Just Therapy

Do not get me wrong. Therapy has been very helpful in assisting me on my bad grieving days. It allowed me to see differently on things around me despite the emotional and mental health issues. However, as much as I wanted to convince myself that it was working fine for me, it just wasn’t. My emotional pain is stronger than any coping mechanism that the therapist advised me, which kept me unwell all along. I needed something different. I needed more than just therapy, but I just can’t figure out what it was.

I knew it would take a lot of time before I could finally be emotionally and mentally free myself from this deep-rooted heartache I am having. And for those who constantly tell me that it was all in my mind, I wished these people knew how hard it was to eliminate this pain I am struggling with. I wished they realized that mental health problems are not that easy to handle.

 

Expressing my thoughts and feelings is not something I am good at. As much as possible, I want to keep everything to myself, even if it hurts. I don’t want other people to meddle with my emotions and tell me what to do. I don’t like to listen to suggestions that I genuinely know won’t help me. I am more hesitant to seek advice because I usually blame people whenever things go down the pit. I am not that confident to share my emotional crisis with others because I find their opinions useless somehow. Luckily, all those actions are excused since I am a man, after all.

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But somehow, things changed when I scheduled myself for a counseling service. Some of my friends told me to try clinical therapy. Still, I prefer a short-term interaction with a licensed healthcare provider then go through a tiring process of psychological intervention. Besides, at that moment, when I considered meeting a stranger for the first time, I knew it wasn’t the thing I need. It is more like trying to give in to my friends’ favor so they would quit bugging me about emotional healing and all that stuff.

Frankly, I don’t like it. There are series of questions that I often leave blank because I find it unnecessary to answer. Some questions do not make sense. The only thing I can see in that particular moment sitting on that chair is the counselor trying to push me to the edge. He wanted me to break down and give in to what he calls an emotional dilemma that I believed (at that moment) I do not have.

Denial And Lies

I understand that my loss is something I can’t control. When my family died in the car accident not long ago, I told myself that “It’s already their time.” Thus, there is not much need to soak in agony and misery. Death is inevitable, and I get that. Thus, I don’t have to mourn that long and feel bad about it. I also do not need to let sadness take control as it will pass. Isn’t that supposed to be nice that I didn’t allow myself to crawl up in bed and wait for my teary eyes to run dry? So what that my family dies? I can still have a lot of people to surround me. So, why make a fuss about an inevitable event?

But for some reason, my counselor told me that I don’t exactly see it that way. I thought to myself, “How is he even confident in saying that? Can he read my mind?” Frankly, I find it bullshit. What does this person know about me? Why is he trying to ruin my emotional fortress? Is he playing with my mental state? Honestly, at that moment, I thought that seeing a counselor was a total waste of time, money, and energy.

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On top of that, he said, “You’re in pain. You just don’t want to admit it“. In the back of my mind, I was like, “the nerve of this stranger to tell me what I am going through. I am okay“. I can still manage to go through life without worrying that the incident should be something he should acknowledge as overall strength. I replied, “no, I am not. I wholeheartedly accepted my loss“.

The Unspoken Words 

After that response, there was this awkward pause. There is a deafening silence in the room. I was baffled there, waiting for the argument to continue. But to my dismay, my counselor just sighs. It was not something I expected, but I find it satisfying. It meant that he accepted defeat and that particular reaction made him realize that I don’t need his service. Then he sat straight, directly stared at me, and said, “it’s okay, you are not alone.”

At that moment, something inside me shattered. I felt my body shivers, and my heart beats so fast. Tears fell from my eyes, and my mind screams for help. I couldn’t believe I never saw that coming. I was too focused on showing off and convincing people that I am okay when the truth is, I can barely make it. The lies I tell myself became my truth, and that ruined my reality.

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That moment was hell. I was crying and screaming in unbearable emotional pain. I wanted everyone to know that I don’t want to be alone. Everything was pitched-black, and the memory of my whole family in the coffin is all I can think of. My counselor tapped my back, and that made me feel the need to cry more. I was holding his arms and clearly saying nothing but, “please, help me.”

Insight

When I think about that counseling day, I feel blessed. I realized that the only way I can deal with grief is by not skipping its process. I now know that I have to mourn as much as I want, cry as often as I need, and feel the pain so I can embrace it and move forward.

 

It is not that long ago since my sister passed away. But together with that memory, I understand that I will never have the courage to get over the emotional and mental agony it brought me. It was an exhausting and most devastating experience that somehow crippled me intensely. Thus, I expect it to stick with me for the rest of my life. Of course, I know and understand the importance of moving on. Honestly, I tried. I genuinely tried my best to get over the bereavement so I can continue living with my life. However, the pain is just too strong that I can’t find the right mindset to help me get through with it.

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But please don’t judge me when I tell you that these sorrows due to losing a loved one are something I genuinely want to endure. I want to get emotionally and mentally disabled to have an excuse to become a weak and vulnerable individual. Yes, I know it is wrong and that I should not use my sister’s death as a tool for self-destruction, but I have my reasons. I will tell it all in this article, the same as how I told my counselor about it.

My Emotional Agony

The thing is, I used to be an emotionally and mentally strong person. I am confident about what I can do, and I always try my best to accomplish things no matter what. That type of personality made me so likable in the eyes of my friends, family, colleagues, and other people who used to know me. I am very proud to be a person with high spirits. But that is my problem. I am confident, self-aware, and knowledgeable about my character and skills. And that is the reason I hate it.

I hate being emotionally and mentally strong because nobody seems to ask if I am okay. With what people see through me and all those positive qualities I have, they do not intend to spare a little time asking me if I need their comfort. It is as if I am not allowed to feel pain and sorrow and stay capable and strong. That is the reason why after my sister’s death, I shut down. For me, it was a once-in-a-lifetime chance to be able to get close to my weak self. And I thank that moment.

Don’t get it wrong. It is not that I am happy that my sibling died. It is not like that, and do not try and misinterpret it. I am genuinely saying that, due to my loss, I realized that it is okay to sometimes feel emotionally and mentally unstable. I now like the feeling that it is normal to become the one who needs help.

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Grief And Depression

Understandably, when people look at me, they instantly knew that the changes in my behavior are somehow related to grief. With that particular death of my sister, they already made up their mind that the things happening to me right now are a mere representation of bereavement. Thus the way I negatively talk, act, respond in front of them creates room for excuse. But honestly, in my opinion, it was not grief. It was merely the depressive state I am dealing with even a long time ago.

Yes, I am hurt because I lost someone so dear to me. But before all this, I already felt so much pain from wanting to be seen and heard. I already have those moments in life where I had to hide and isolate myself, so I can cry wholeheartedly. I already lived with the times that I had to lie about what I truly feel to make someone else happy. I already experienced avoiding the pain and keeping it inside so that others won’t find a reason to feel sorry for me. I already endured those kinds of pain that not even grief can exceed an amount.

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It Is Still Not About Me

After quite a while of people seeing me like this, and despite being honest about what I truly feel inside, I still get disappointed with people’s words and actions. They are not convinced that I can be a person that would require some help. And since they already know me as someone who would manage to deal with an emotional and mental struggle, they are not at all concerned about my well-being. Sadly, I am putting my mental and emotional state on the line so that people around me could acknowledge my inabilities and needs. As much as I desire to get better, I kind of like it that I am not okay. I guess that is the way it is for most “strong-enough” individuals. In the end, it is still not about me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In times of despair, perhaps you can relate to me when I say I have these lingering thoughts in my head that somehow makes me feel bad about life. There is a voice that often tells me I am not worthy of anything, and it sucks! It sucks because I believe it, and I live for it. I am never against it, and I don’t try to fight it. I just go with the flow and instill those negative descriptions about me that my head keeps telling me.

But honestly, part of me wants to end it. A portion of my mind wants to believe that somehow, I can do unimaginable things. It gives me a little hope and courage to change the way I think about myself. Most times, it makes me happy. It makes me wish to try new things. But unfortunately, when I am just about to start that point of positive alteration in my life, I go back to my old self, and things are again, on square one.

This sense of rumination, or the continual thinking of the same old things, affects all aspects of my life. It ruins my relationship with my family, friends, and ex-wife. I can’t blame them. A person like me can’t even handle a simple decision-making process and can’t even handle his own thoughts and feelings. Thus, I deserve this agony. I believe I deserve to grieve over my emotional and mental health.

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What is rumination anxiety? 

For other people, rumination is a transient hostile experience, but for some, it could make them feel like they’re not in control of themselves. It ultimately leads to anxiety or depression symptoms. Rumination can make a person think that he is useless and bad and should be ashamed of himself.

Is rumination a mental illness? 

Rumination is occasionally considered a silent mental illness due to its effects, which are often underestimated. However, it plays a vital part in mental health conditions like eating disorders and obsessive-compulsive disorders.

What is obsessive rumination disorder? 

A fixation on losses characterizes this, actions done and not done, perceived errors, and opportunities not taken. The emotions connected to obsessive rumination include regret, envy, anger, and guilt.

How do I get rid of unwanted ruminating thoughts? 

Some tips can effectively address ruminating thoughts. A person can start with creating a plan of action – and take action when necessary. There’s also a diverting of attention when a person notices that he’s beginning to ruminate. It is significantly important to look for a distraction that could help break unpleasant thoughts. It would also help to question and challenge the thoughts to reassess life goals. Work on improving self-confidence, learn to meditate and identify and understand your rumination triggers.

How do I stop OCD intrusive thoughts? 

Do not ignore your intrusive thoughts. Attend to them, acknowledge him, and permit them to get into your system. After you’ve done all these, find a way to move on. Do not be scared of your thoughts because they simply that – just thoughts. You should not let them be more than what they are. Take these thoughts less seriously and be looser in your emotional reactions towards them.

How do you deal with unwanted thoughts? 

To self-manage your intrusive thoughts, you can try these:

• Mark these thoughts as intrusive.
• Remember that these thoughts are involuntary and not your own doing.
• Acknowledge and permit these thoughts to get into your mind.
• Practice ‘floating’ and tolerating time to just pass
• Keep in mind that less is more – and better.

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Are intrusive thoughts a mental illness? 

In a few cases, an intrusive thought could result from a primary mental health disorder, such as PTSD or OCD. Intrusive thoughts could also be an indication of other health conditions like dementia or brain injury.

What medication helps with intrusive thoughts? 

Medications that help with intrusive thoughts include:

• Paroxetine (Pexeva). It is prescribed for adults only.
• Fluoxetine (Prozac). This one is for kids over seven and can also be prescribed for adults.
• Fluvoxamine. For adults and also for kids over eight years old.

Sertraline (Zoloft). Adults can take this one as well as children over six.

 Does CBD help with intrusive thoughts? 

Experts think that CBD may be able to decrease anxiety and intrusive thoughts as well. Cannabidiol may also be effective in helping the hippocampus and how it is involved with intrusive thoughts. It is apparently due to how CBD oil is capable of binding together GABA receptors.

What are examples of intrusive thoughts? 

Here are different examples of intrusive thoughts.

• Intrusive sexual thoughts where it contains mental imagery of sexual behaviors that the person finds abhorrent or immoral
• Negative thinking is random regarding one’s self disbelief.
• Thoughts of self-harm. At times, intrusive thoughts can be vicious.
• Delusional views indicate a false idea that abnormally affects a person’s content of thought.

What are intrusive thoughts a sign of? 

As per the National Institute of Mental Health, these intrusive thoughts are some of the indications of PTSD. They are also a symptom of depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and anxiety. They are undesirable thoughts that seem to appear out of nowhere.

What are OCD intrusive thoughts? 

OCD intrusive thoughts are persistent, recurrent, and unwanted thoughts, impulses that interfere and may lead to anxiety or distress. You may want to ignore them or make them disappear by doing a routine or compulsive behavior. These obsessive thoughts usually interfere when you’re trying to do or think about other things.

Can intrusive thoughts go away? 

Intrusive thoughts do not create a lasting impression. Ordinary thoughts disappear, but intrusive ones persist longer and most often come back. In some instances, intrusive thoughts may lead to mental health disorders like PTSD or OCD.

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Insight

Rumination is entirely dangerous for emotional and mental health. Over time, it intensifies and prolongs symptoms of severe depression. It also impairs the ability to think and regulate emotions according to their specific use. It can cause isolation, mental and emotional damage, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts.

 

“Wake up, wake up. Please wake up!” These are the words I kept repeating over and over while I was in front of my father’s casket. It was an entirely devastating event in my life I wish I never experienced. I thought I could get over it as it would be easy for me to accept the truth once I finally saw him lying peacefully on the coffin. But it was too painful that I snapped and lost all the right senses I have. I wanted him to wake up and tell me things will be okay. Unfortunately, that was way too impossible to happen, of course.

My father died, I bet, without agony since it was merely a heart attack. But I should not have to be thankful for that because I wasn’t there when he died. I was too damn busy living my life and enjoying every inch of freedom I have away from home. Am I selfish? I bet I am. All these years, I kept blaming myself for that because I was never entirely present in his life.

“That’s okay,” I told myself. “At least you didn’t have to see my father suffer long, which can be too dreadful and exhausting at some point.” Well, it was a lie that I had to tell myself. I need to convince myself that my father’s death is acceptable and that my guilt of not being there should be excused. But who am I kidding? It was emotionally and mentally painful. Everything about his death is unacceptable. And the fact that I wasn’t even there makes it hard for me to consider accepting it.

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Grief And Mental Health

After a while of thinking about the guilty feeling I have, I went on full self-isolation. I have this weird feeling that people around me are blaming me and talking behind my back. I’m sure it was not my fault. But the way they looked at me, it was as if I’m the one who killed my dad. That thought lingers for a long period that it made me choose to self-destruct.

From then on, I became mentally unstable. I often see myself crying in the dark for no reason. I get too anxious and stress just thinking about going out and talking to people. The devastating feeling I have after my father’s death grew more every day, and it made me a different person. Yes, it was a mental health issue now, and it is called depression.

What are the four types of depression? 

The four common types of depression that people know are Major Depression, Psychotic Depression, Peripartum or Postpartum Depression, and Situational Depression.

 What is the significantly reliable symptom of depression? 

Signs and symptoms of depression differ from one person to another. Some individuals can show tearfulness, feelings of sadness, emptiness, or hopelessness, while others may appear to have a sense of uplifted spirit despite struggling with mental health. The same goes for those who often feel angry, irritable, or frustrated, while others can stay calm and relaxed. However, it can be a strong manifestation of clinical depression when an individual loses interest or pleasure in almost all normal activities he once likes, such as sex, hobbies, or sports.

 What are the five signs of mental illness? 

The common five signs of mental illness start with excessive worry or anxiety and paranoia. There is also a long-lasting sadness and unexplained irritability. Extreme changes in moods and dramatic changes in sleeping or eating pattern are also present. Lastly, there is social withdrawal.

 Is violence a symptom of depression? 

Some studies often relate violence to depression. That is because depressed individuals are often three times more likely to commit and engage in a violent crime. That is due to the mental health’s effect that promotes genetic vulnerability and faulty mood regulation.

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 How do I know if I am bipolar? 

Mania or bipolar disorder can cause symptoms that can determine the condition. It includes feelings or over happiness for long periods. There is also less need for sleep and feeling extremely impulsive or restless. Bipolar disorder can also make you easily distracted and make you talk very fast with racing thoughts.

 What are the signs of bipolar in a woman? 

The signs of bipolar in a woman mostly happen in general. These include having a high or irritated mood, rapid speech flow, reduced sleep, flights of ideas or racing thoughts, and elevated self-esteem or grandiosity. There is also a level of unexplained energy but then gets easily distracted.

 What triggers bipolar? 

The triggers of bipolar usually manifest in the physical aspect. There is a sleep disturbance that often leads to insomnia. There is also an overwhelming problem in everyday life, such as financial strain, work or school pressure, and relationship issues. But those are not limiting factors. Bipolar disorder can get triggered by drug or alcohol abuse, periods of high stress, a series of traumatic events, the death of a loved one, and genetics.

 What are the signs of anger issues? 

Anger issues are different from one person to another. Often, the emotion gets misunderstood because many people think it only comes from constant irritability. Though that can add as a trigger, the rage and anxiety can come from emotional symptoms caused by particular life stressors. Thus, if there is an overwhelming feeling of looking for trouble or imagining deeply about hurting oneself and others, the person is experiencing an anger disorder. It is vital to organize and manage thoughts before the worse gets into action.

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 What causes hate? 

The strong feelings of hatred can come from an intense emotional developing dislike for a lot of things. Individuals might begin to hate another person or group when they feel envious. If the strong feeling makes them want what others have, the feelings tend to grow. Hatred can come from people’s perceptions of others. But it also affects their personal history and its effects on our personality, ideas, beliefs, feelings, and especially their identity. It can also come from failure, guilt, doubt, and misunderstanding.

 What happens in the brain when we get angry? 

The brain, when we get angry, reacts differently. When in a state of outburst, the heart rate, arterial tension, and testosterone production increase. It then released neurotransmitter chemicals causing you to experience a burst of energy that desires to take immediate protective action. These feelings usually last for about a couple of minutes. However, some individuals tend to experience an uncontrollable rage that stays longer.

 What parts of the brain get affected by depression? 

The parts of the brain that gets affected by depression include the main subcortical limbic brain regions. These are the amygdala, hippocampus, and dorsomedial thalamus.

 

 

 

 

 

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Grief is a circumstance that all individuals go through when they lose someone they love. Sigmund Freud stressed in a book that he published about grieving that this is also applicable to a concept, loss of fatherland, or freedom. He stressed that it is not right to consider grief as pathological and to be treated. Grief subsides over time, and disrupting this process unreasonably may be dangerous. By this, Freud implies that we must trust an individual’s capacity to endure strains and stresses and surpass challenges through his own efforts.

Freud also emphasized that mourning can take after a pathological form if the connection with the deceased was exceedingly characterized by uncertain emotions or if the mourner has a tendency to become narcissistic – having too many immature personalities. A person can sense an object loss such as grief as damage to his ego. Freud further believed that mourning is an unconscious and conscious process and that grief almost always involves multiple accounts.

Melancholia, on the other hand, is considered a subclass of depression. Individuals who suffer from melancholic depression frequently feel severe guilt and despair. They may need to try hard to feel happy, even when good things are happening in their lives. And while it is not easy to treat, recovery is certainly possible. A qualified mental health provider can guide those with melancholia to help them manage their symptoms.

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Below are frequently answers to frequently asked questions about melancholia.

Is melancholy the same as depression?

The modern definition of melancholy was founded on Kraepelin’s manic-depressive disorder. Depression is a profound or sustained sadness in a person’s everyday life, while melancholy has a unique mood that cannot be translated into severe depression.

What are the symptoms of melancholia?

Symptoms of melancholia include:

• Loss of interest in things and activities that were once pleasurable
• Persistent emotions of severe sadness for more extended periods
• Feeling overly tired or lack of energy
• Over-sleeping or under-sleeping
• Over-eating or under-eating
• Experiencing irritability or anxiety

Is melancholy a mental illness?

Melancholic depression was previously seen as a unique illness, but the American Psychiatric Association does not classify it as an independent mental disorder. Instead, melancholy is now established as a landmark for MDD – meaning that it is a subcategory of major depressive disorder.

What is Melancholia disorder?

Melancholia disorder is a subclass of depression. Individuals with this type of depression frequently feel severe guilt and misery. They might struggle to be happy, despite the good things that are happening in their lives. Melancholia could be daunting to treat, but recovery is indeed possible.

What causes melancholia?

Melancholia is significantly heritable. Individuals with the condition have a higher likelihood of having a family history of suicide and mood problems. Psychological and social factors seldom influence melancholia the way they may with the rest of the depression subclasses. Experts believe that variations in the brain might be the cause of melancholia.

Can melancholy be happy?

Melancholy is an intricate and sometimes perplexing feeling. The complex nature of the feeling is expressed like this: Melancholia is the delight of being sad. It is the joy of feeling sad. It is the joyfulness of being miserable.

How do I stop melancholy?

Melancholic depression is frequently believed to be biologically based and specifically extreme type of depression. Its treatment entails taking antidepressants, getting into electroconvulsive therapy, or embracing other empirically-based therapies like interpersonal therapy and CBT.

What is a melancholic personality?

People with melancholia are inclined to be keen, information-oriented, and analytical. They are profound feelers and thinkers, and they are introverted; hence, they don’t want to be the center of attention. Someone with a melancholic personality eventually become self-sufficient – someone who is often anxious and distant.

What are the 4 personality styles?

As suggested by the four-temperament theory, the four primary personality types are choleric, phlegmatic, sanguine, and choleric.

At what age is your personality developed?

Large-scope studies have revealed that personality development’s most active time seems to be between 20 and 40 years old. While personality does grow increasingly stable with age and usually plateaus when a person is almost 50, personality never extends to a stage of total stability.

How much of our personality is genetic?

A vital thing to note about personality traits is that they do not depend on how you were brought up by your parents but instead by what you acquired biologically from them – for example, your DNA. Genetic heritability is responsible for 50% of every individual’s psychological variations, from personality to mental skills.

How permanent is your personality?

If there is a personality in you that you are not happy about, you can certainly do something about it. That’s the good news that one’s personality – one’s thoughts, behaviors, feelings, and qualities – that make you who you are can be transformed into who you wish to be. This is because personality is temporary and not permanent.

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Today, the APA does not acknowledge melancholia as a separate form of depression and is considered a type of MDD. When a person presents with melancholia and depression signs, it is diagnosed as a major depressive disorder with melancholic symptoms.

A major depressive disorder is usually managed with the latest antidepressants like SSRIs. These include popular medications such as paroxetine, fluoxetine, or citalopram. However, many people who suffer from MDD with melancholia respond better to antidepressants that were manufactured earlier. These are the Monoamine oxidase inhibitors or the tricyclic antidepressants and the SNRIs, like venlafaxine. All these medications help prevent the breakdown of norepinephrine and serotonin in the brain, leading to increased levels of these ‘feel good’ substances.

Additionally, talk therapy is also a commonly recommended means of treating people with melancholia and depression. A combination of talk therapy and medications is more effective than using them separately. Talk therapy entails visiting a therapist regularly to discuss one’s symptoms and other issues related to them.

 

 

 

My mother battled cancer for less than three years before the disease took over her body. We assumed that the cancer cells would not stand a chance against chemotherapy, considering the doctor managed to detect cancer early. She also took the correct medicine and did everything that the doctors ordered.

However, no one could ever prepare you for the grief that you would experience once loved ones passed away. It genuinely felt like a part of my heart died, too. Despite that, I did not want to end up in a mental hospital—Mom would have rolled in her grave if that happened.

Instead, I looked for various ways to hold on to my mental health while still grieving.

Look For Reasons To Laugh

Whenever I used to go to funerals, I was weirded by family members who sometimes laughed with their guests. Granted, it was post-burial, and they said that their dearly departed wouldn’t have wanted to see them sad, but it still felt awkward.

When my mother died, though, I finally understood why those people laughed. My chest felt significantly lighter after laughing at my cousin’s jokes. For a moment, I almost forgot that I was at a funeral. It was an incredible thing because all I did before was cry and mope around. If Mom were alive, she would have told me, “You should laugh some more, dear. I don’t want you to be too sad because of me.”

Remember The Deceased During Their Prime

The memorial service that I got for my mother was kind enough to set up an hour-long eulogy for her. So, I invited her former colleagues and our closest relatives to talk about their fondest memories with Mom.

On my part, I was too scared to go up on the stage to give a speech about her. It was more because I had never been to a eulogy before, so I feared messing up the solemn occasion because of my stupidity.

Luckily, I was the last one to talk, so I learned from the folks who went before me. Their stories about Mom focused mostly on her prime years before she got diagnosed with cancer. An aunt even said my mother caused her to get ear cartilage piercing at 45. Though she was annoyed about it at first, she considered it as a happy memory now.

I followed her lead and recalled the many times when it was just me and Mom against the world. Though crying was inevitable, I shed some tears of joy for having a wonderful mother.

Accept The Death

If you have heard of the several stages of grief, you probably know that the last step is acceptance. They say that you need to deal with various emotions before you can feel the latter. They say that’s the healthiest way to overcome the death of a loved one. My beef with this idea, though, was that no one told me that it was easier to grieve if I accepted my mother’s death first.

How did I come to that conclusion, you might ask?

Well, I had been feeling depressed ever since the doctor said that Mom had a few weeks to live. I did not want to accept that she could honestly pass away and live me alone in this world because the thought was too painful to bear. And when it happened, I almost didn’t want to go home or look at her in the casket.

Once I accepted that my mother was already gone, everything seemed to come into focus. I knew what to do with my life; I felt brave to see Mom and check if her makeup was even. Our relatives asked what changed, and my simple reply was, “I felt enlightened.”

Stay Away From Loved One’s Belongings For As Long As Necessary

After the burial, my aunts encouraged me to go through Mom’s belongings at home and pack everything I wanted to send to Good Will. Knowing my mother’s character, she would love to see that we did not throw away her things and that they all went to the less fortunate folks all over the city. Nevertheless, I declined when they offered to help me pack on that same night.

While I already accepted that Mom would no longer come back in this lifetime, I still wanted to bawl every time I thought of going through her possessions. After all, it was one thing to see her getting buried six feet under the ground. It was another thing to relive the memories that came with every item in her house. I waited until her 40th death day before I did the task, considering that’s when I realized that holding on to her belongings was too childish.

Final Thoughts

My newfound purpose in life was to counsel individuals who had a tough time accepting a loved one’s death. It was not always easy, but it was worth it. Not only did I manage to save my mental health, but I also became instrumental in saving others. What more could I ask for?